Me: Fuck, the paper towels I want are on the top shelf.
The Sir David Attenborough That Lives In My Brain: Being smaller-than-average presents an added challenge to foraging … but necessity is the mother of invention. A little creativity turns a baguette into a tool, and voilà–
On the day of Dick Cheney’s death, I’m thinking about a lot of horrible consequences of his actions, but I’m also thinking about Lauren Hough telling Dick Cheney to waterboard her “if it makes him feel better” when she repaired his cable.
over the last several months, we have been implementing a protocol to eliminate karybelle the sheltie’s barking surrounding her mealtimes. we have accomplished this by initially introducing an alternate activity during prep time (stuffed kong) and religiously giving her a time out gated in the yard if she stops that activity to bark, thus delaying her dinner until she’s quiet. this has been extremely successful; she’s gone from barking literally 100+ times during meal prep to barking 0 times, and only occasionally slips up. the behavior she has chosen to replace her meal-prep-screaming (after all, that energy has to go somewhere) is frantically - but silently - running circles around the coffee table to finally slam into a perfect down-stay as her bowl is set down.
this evening as the food was coming out, karybelle seamlessly slipped into her silent circling routine. except after a couple of reps, she abruptly changed course, yeeted herself out the dog door, barked once, and immediately jumped back in to resume her circling.
if that isn’t a demonstration of crystal clear understanding of criteria, i…don’t know what is lmao
Judge: Sensitive pervert, you stand accused… of loving too beautifully, fucking too skillfully, and keeping it too motherfucking real. How do you plead?
Me: I plead… guilty to all chargers ur honor
Judge: gasp
Jury: gasp
Prosecutor: grits teeth and starts growling
My hot defense lawyer with a huge rack: whoa…he might just have what it takes…
